Revisiting the ICU

Yesterday I visited the Intensive Care Unit that I stayed in while sick with Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. Some things at the ICU were frightening familiar and others were completely foreign. I did not recognize the room I was in for three weeks but the sound of the doors opening and closing caused some panic. The noises of the ventilators and the smell of the place transported Ryan and I both back to my time there.
My visit was very emotional and strange. I felt a horrible sadness while I was there, sad that I had been so sick and mourned all that had happened to my body. I felt some fear that I may become sick again and intense gratitude for all of the Nurses and Doctors that brought me to my recovery.

I was able to see some of the Nurses and Doctors that cared for me while I was fighting ARDS. Many of them remembered me, Ryan, my daughter’s photos, my parents, and my family that was always there supporting me. Most of them I did not recognize because I have lost a lot of memory and was hallucinating when I was first extubated.

We then visited with a nurse that I immediately recognized. She is one of the only nurses I remember. I did not recognize her name or her picture, but as soon as I saw her eyes, I knew she had helped me and I began to cry. I gave her a hug and thanked her for all that she did for me and for all of the others. She said she took care of me before I was intubated and I remember that, she also was with me when they re-intubated me the second time. I remember her face looking at me and I think she may have been trying to comfort me while the chaos continued. She also helped me when I was off of the ventilator for a few days until I left the ICU.

We then saw Dr. Simone who worked with me while I was in the coma for three weeks. He was very thoughtful and asked about how I was doing emotionally. It was refreshing to have a medical Doctor speak to me about emotional health and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He said it is not uncommon among patients like me and is to be expected. He told me that I need to reach out for help. He also said that I have to fight just as hard to overcome it as I did to fight the ARDS. Those were some very inspiring words.

Next we went to the floor below where I went after being released from the ICU. I saw the room that I shared with other patients and I saw the last room I was in by myself. This last room was the only room that I actually recognized. All of the other ones I had been hallucinating so much that I never really saw the physical room as it was. It was refreshing to see the rooms I stayed in and to be able to realize that all of the others were not real. All of those frightening places I had been were only in my head. Although this knowledge does not make those images and memories less frightening, it makes them a little bit easier to think about.

I saw the halls that I walked endlessly in the night, empowered that I could get out of the hospital and get my strength back. I saw the rooms that I shook in from drug withdrawals while everyone else slept. I saw the bed that was like a prison to me and remembered all of the plans I had made to escape. I heard the screams in my head that I yelled while I was there, but I was comforted to know that I could leave at any given moment. Ryan and I looked around a little bit more and then I walked back to my car, in my street clothes, without a wheelchair, and with much more sanity than a year ago. I was so thrilled to be able to get into the car myself and go home to my daughter.

Ellen

This drawing was done in memory of Ellen for her Aunt Loreto. Ellen passed away from ARDS last winter. I did not know her but I have learned that she was vivacious, loving, and full of life. This is one of the last drawings on my list and I have been slow to finish it because it was quite moving and emotional to make a drawing to remember someone by that you did not know. I hope I captured something of her in the drawing.
Materials used: graphite and watercolor